Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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