You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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