I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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