And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
