Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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