i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
