i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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