No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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