ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
