Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sext me about skeletons
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
