i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
