I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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