Can i not drive my cunt home
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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