Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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