I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
