i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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