I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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