Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
with your own penis?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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