Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
