So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
