I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
