Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
