I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm really busy with my period
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