i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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