Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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