Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
