She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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