if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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