Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
