Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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