Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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