Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I AM VODKA MAN
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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