i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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