don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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