I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
