I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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