Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
