3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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