A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
