Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
