I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
