I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
