Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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