These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
