And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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