Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
