in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize