she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
