wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
