Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
