Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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