remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
