Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
