She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
