She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
