Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Pappa wants mamma naked
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
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