I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize