You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
