i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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