I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
