Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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