My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We named our party play list daddy issues
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
