the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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